The Foster Files - If It Breaks, Let It Break… by Dr. Naima Johnston Bush
I am enraptured by him, so totally captivated I’d give him the world if I could. And when she turns to me and calls me Mommy with those large, haunted eyes, my heart seizes and I could cry from contentment. And I inquire of the heavens, is this forever? Or is this only for a moment? And if it is only for a moment, how do I fight against feeling like this is a cruel joke when my mother’s heart and arms have been empty for so long?
It’s been no secret that I’ve struggled with infertility and for whatever reason, the Lord has chosen not to answer our prayers for a child in the conventional way in this moment. We had always planned to adopt, Jon was adopted and even as a little girl, I always knew my love would be big enough to encompass children that I had not birthed. So as the years went by and we got older, we moved forward to start the foster to adopt process in Florida – and then the call to Louisiana, where we started the whole process again.
After almost eight months of classes, paperwork and training we were told that it would be the end of February or March before we would even know if we were finally approved to foster. And so I packed up the second week in February for a week of touring and as I got further and further from home I got a sinking feeling in my spirit. Something was about to go down, I didn’t know what, but the Lord sure was letting me know it was coming down the pike.
The babies arrived before the letter from Social Services saying we were approved to foster arrived – by two whole days. I promptly turned around, canceled the rest of my events and came home, no man has Momma powers and we all knew the two year old little girl needed me. We instantly fell deeply in love and have watched them go from wilted to blooming in the span of just a few weeks.
But here’s the issue. We shared with social services we only wanted to take in children who were ready to be adopted, and somehow, someone missed that in our file and delivered to our door two children with a mother who has insisted that she has every intention to bring them home. That’s not what we bargained for.
It would be easy to be increasingly selfish at this moment, to pray that birth mom does not get her act together and we get to keep them. We could justify it by saying that we will raise them in the way of the Lord, provide them with a stable home and give them material things that they may not have otherwise.
I want these children as my own… but more then that… I want to be a woman after God’s own heart.
So, I pray for their mother. I pray that she would have a supernatural experience with the Lord, that she will become a mighty woman of God with the ability and resources to raise these children in a manner that pleases Him. That I hand them back to her having been well loved and well fed both spiritually and physically.
And I choose today to love them with my whole heart, not to guard it or hold back from them any drop of love that they deserve. And they deserve the best, they deserve all of me. And if the moment comes when we have to pack them up and send them on their way, I will do so with tears and pain and a lack of understanding. But I will be able to stand before the Lord and say I loved them so fully that it shredded my heart to pieces to give them back and they knew in this place they were safe and they were loved.
I choose today to give these babies my heart, and if it breaks in the giving, then so help me God, let it break.
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